Sep 21 2009

High Quality

Even in most unbearable life situations, high quality exists, even only in shadowy existence.

Love, life, pain, face-smell-of-milk, eyes-slanting-under-the-sun,I love kids.

You know you are right to slap him, only you are wrong not to have slapped him one more time!

Respect to those guys who escape from the familiar, also those keep throwing themselves against the wall. In being different, they are the same.

I miss my group of nieces. They are pretty, younger-than-young girl-womans. In my dreams, they are always so different from me and more eloquent, more wild and more capable. They drag the trees with white-t-shirt smiling face.

You narrow path, zigzag-zagzig-winding-forth, scathing pain.

A quietly buzzing, sweetly intriguing——-Oh,a window there, floating facesIMG_3240 of great emptiness.My dream.

You just can’t imagine. They are from nowhere.

Kill the beach hands.

Sep 17 2009

Learn to deduct

IMG_3199They are all the last year college students, facing graduation soon.

In our first class, we got to know each other by brief introduction. When answering  questions about what they gonna do after graduation, not so many of them, or of us, can give a brief answer.

Go on studying, go abroad, hunt for a job, or sit for a civil servant exam? Too many choices, so perplexing. It is  true that the more choices, the more possibility, yet on the other hand, the more choices, the more distracted you will become.

I have something silly to recall here. When I was young, I didn’t have many clothes to wear.  Normally two or three to alternate during a week. I find it convinient to put on the clothes which is the only one available every morning. Later when I became older, when different occasions called for different outfits, when I could afford to add diversity into my wearing stuff, I found it complicated to match the clothes every time I went out . Sometimes, I took many trials and kept looking myself in the mirror,until there was no more time to try more clothes.

In enjoying the pleasures brought by more choices, we sacrified the simplicity of having only one choice!

I always envy those people who stick to their dreams and finally get closer and closer to their dreamland.  For me, I find it difficult to concentrate, to settle, to keep going in one direction. It is not difficult for me to have new ideas, but it is difficult for me to dig deep into them. Of course, stuborness is by no means encouraged, but to concentrate, especially when you make decisions at some crucial moments, is very necessary.

It is not good to spend too much time on the bank pondering on the best spot to plunge into the sea, because what you will do is to swim in the sea. To get prepared and plunge. Happiness of swimming can never be found on the bank.

“So, you’ve decided to give it up? Good, one less thing to do now!”

Yes, to deduct, from today on.

Sep 9 2009

My apartment

“I think this will look good in my apartment.”

“You like my smell? If you come to my apartment, you will find it is the smell of my apartment.”

I like to talk with my friends and these sentences about apartment stick in my mind and this morning, when I had breakfast, I thought maybe I can write something about “my apartment”, even if I have nothing which is called “apartment”.

Hearing my friends talking with such a natural note “my apartment”,”my apartment”, a sweet jealousy and eagerness came to flower in my heart.

Since I left home to study in Shanghai, every time I go to the supermarket and pass the section selling all kinds of bowls and plates, I dream of getting married. (Don’t laugh at me, it is true! ) This silly dream becomes more silly when I go to IKEA. Now, clever I have become, I tell myself to settle down and buy myself bowls and plates have nothing to do with getting married or not. My friends, they are of the same age as me, they can have everything they want and can afford in their apartment, while I, still in study, can not afford to buy anything belonging to an apartment for my dormitory. So the only problem is I am still studying. AH, A hopeless academic.

When I was going to my home in my hometown, my friends repeated it as “going to your parents’ house (place)” . This paraphrase was also new to me. In Chinese, we never say this before we get married: “hui fumu jia’(回父母家,回娘家). Even after Helen got married, more than once, she looked confused at my question and asked “Which home do you mean, I have two homes now.”

So literally I have no apartment.  I dream that one day my friends can hearing me saying  ”I smell of my apartment”:-) That will be crazy.

Sep 6 2009

You know, I am happy here.

20090729112716950 Starting  my last year of Master tomorrow, facing the flood of one task followed by another, anticipating good result or not, anyway, I must be there to see what will become of me less than 6 months later.

Now, that strange wish came over me again: I want to have a miracle machine which can kill the time in between. I know that I will still be living 6 months later, taking a job or waiting to start PhD, I know that no great changes will happen to me, I know that I will be also expecting something just as I am expecting something today, Still, I want to have a machine which can take me there, or just to let myself be suddenly stricken unconscious and suddenly be waken up one morning to find everything is there, welcome me  back.

Similar thoughts occurred to me when I was preparing for National College exam (gaokao), when I was in an intense mood waiting for the results of an important interview, when I was trapped in a muddy love relationship………..

So this time, I know, I am just being weak again. And suddenly I realize, compared with sudden unexpected changes in life, more unbearable is the daily-dripping waiting process.  People tell you, take it slow, things will just happen, you will be good. But, you, living in your own body, experiencing the daily anxiety, you are in the middle of the things, or at least, in the things concerning you. So, you should ACT.

Here, now, I am.

And you know, I am happy here, even, only to make myself a pair of clumsy shoes.

Because I know, they will be mine.