You know, I am happy here.

20090729112716950 Starting  my last year of Master tomorrow, facing the flood of one task followed by another, anticipating good result or not, anyway, I must be there to see what will become of me less than 6 months later.

Now, that strange wish came over me again: I want to have a miracle machine which can kill the time in between. I know that I will still be living 6 months later, taking a job or waiting to start PhD, I know that no great changes will happen to me, I know that I will be also expecting something just as I am expecting something today, Still, I want to have a machine which can take me there, or just to let myself be suddenly stricken unconscious and suddenly be waken up one morning to find everything is there, welcome me  back.

Similar thoughts occurred to me when I was preparing for National College exam (gaokao), when I was in an intense mood waiting for the results of an important interview, when I was trapped in a muddy love relationship………..

So this time, I know, I am just being weak again. And suddenly I realize, compared with sudden unexpected changes in life, more unbearable is the daily-dripping waiting process.  People tell you, take it slow, things will just happen, you will be good. But, you, living in your own body, experiencing the daily anxiety, you are in the middle of the things, or at least, in the things concerning you. So, you should ACT.

Here, now, I am.

And you know, I am happy here, even, only to make myself a pair of clumsy shoes.

Because I know, they will be mine.


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